I have had a shift change at the job that actually pays me money, which is going to affect when in the day things get posted rather substantially. My shift was 4PM-1AM (Central time, of course) with variable days off. My shift is now 11AM-8PM, with set days off on Tuesday and Wednesday. It may take a little bit of time to figure out the best way to allocate my writing time in my new off hours, which now skew more towards the evening than the morning/early afternoon, like they used to. On the other hand, I'm probably not going to be nodding off and going back to sleep in the middle of putting together the day's content anymore, which was getting to be an issue.
Content is free, folks.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Friday, December 6, 2013
Your Stupidly Early World Cup Forecast
The World Cup draw happened earlier today, and the outlook for the United States, projected to be grim, turned out to be... yeah, 'grim' would be the right word. Germany, Portugal and Ghana, the latter of which has knocked the US out of the past two World Cups. But let's figure out just what happens here. At first glance, scary. At second glance, maybe not so much.
It is at this stage that I remind you I am terrible at predicting things. And we have no idea what the roster makeups will be. But hey, why not. Everybody else will, so why not give my own take on how I think the Cup will shake out now that we have everybody slotted into a schedule.
The schedule can be found here. We'll begin with the group stage.
GROUP A (Brazil, Croatia, Mexico, Cameroon): Brazil's going to pull 9 points, so let's just get that out of the way. The real fight is for the second transfer spot, and that'll essentially come down to Mexico and Croatia, who meet in round 3 by lucky happenstance. Croatia hasn't had the greatest form lately- they only managed to beat Liechtenstein 3-2, for example- but Mexico's had their own problems. They probably draw and it becomes a goal-differential battle, and Mexico's prone to higher scorelines one way or the other than Croatia is. I put Mexico through.
GROUP B (Spain, Netherlands, Chile, Australia): This may look like a deep group, but really, Spain and the Netherlands are the class of the group. They meet in Round 1, though, and if someone walks off having lost, Chile and Australia have two rounds to upend things. (Though their game is essentially an elimination game; a Chile/Australia loser is not going to find the points they need elsewhere.) The winner of Spain/Netherlands wins the group. The loser will essentially play the winner of Chile/Australia, presuming there is one, for the second transfer spot. Netherlands, on almost impeccable form lately, wins the group, Spain overcomes home-continent advantage to knock out Chile. Australia knows they're up against it and will probably be happy just to take points off whoever they can.
GROUP C (Colombia, Greece, Cote d'Ivoire, Japan): Cote d'Ivoire has been buried by tough draws in recent Cups. No excuses this time. Japan will make a strong showing for qualification- they'll have more of a home edge than a lot of people think as there's quite a bit of Japanese/Brazilian cultural exchange. I think they'll be Brazil's rooting interest in the group. Greece is just too out of sorts to qualify out of any group they're in. Colombia drew cities more towards the south- Belo Horizonte, Brasilia, Cuiaba- and that diminishes their home-continent edge. Had they gotten the northern cities the US got, had they been assigned to trek to Manaus, they'd be a lot closer to home soil. (But then, the only seeded team assigned to Manaus is Switzerland, so they didn't have too much hope of that going in.) You could put any of the non-Greek teams in any order you want and I'd call it reasonable. I had to work out scorelines to get it sorted out and I have Colombia getting 9 points, and Cote d'Ivoire advancing by one goal over Japan.
GROUP D (Uruguay, Costa Rica, England, Italy): Well, first off, Costa Rica's completely hosed. There isn't a point in sight for them. They are goal-differential fodder for the other three. England is reportedly firing up their 1966 glory machine even given who they've been given. I don't have them even making it out of the group. In good times, they're a quarterfinal side. This is not good times. Uruguay, meanwhile, has the same basic issue Colombia has: their game against England may be in Sao Paulo, but their other two games are in Fortaleza and Natal, taking them far from the Uruguayan border, and their ideal city of Porto Alegre was only available to one seeded team as well, in this case Argentina. It shouldn't exactly stop them, but it may help cost first place in the group, which I have going to Italy.
GROUP E (Switzerland, Ecuador, France, Honduras): Ecuador's another team that might have benefited from going to Manaus, but a Brasilia/Curitiba/Rio itinerary certainly is a decent consolation prize. France was in Porto Alegre in June against Brazil, though they lost 3-0. This time they play Honduras there. Ecuador played Honduras last month in Texas; they drew 2-2. Honduras, for their money, is looking to start taking points off people. They won't take enough to advance, but the draw's friendly enough for them to hope to get something, and if it's going to happen, it'll probably be against overrated Switzerland in Manaus. Ecuador/France in the Maracana will likely be for control of the group, and Ecuador's been on that particular stage a lot more than France has. Ecuador wins the group, France in second.
GROUP F (Argentina, Bosnia/Herzegovina, Iran, Nigeria): Argentina sleepwalks to 9 points. There is nothing in this group that is even in their league. The only hope of them dropping points is them sending out a B team against Nigeria after already having qualified by bludgeoning Bosnia/Herzegovina and Iran. Even then, if Nigeria threatens to get a result, the A team will get subbed in. And with the game in Porto Alegre, enough Argentinian fans will have come over the border for them not to want to go easy on whoever it is on the other side of the pitch. As for the second spot, Bosnia/Nigeria is the fight for runner-up; their game is in Cuiaba. Nigeria is also on pretty good terms with Brazil, and I see them as Brazil's preferred rooting interest. It should push them over the top against Bosnia.
GROUP G (Germany, Portugal, Ghana, United States): Well, no sleepwalking here. The US is going to come out guns blazing against Ghana, knowing the history, and with half a year to prep for it, I don't think Ghana wins this time. Meanwhile, Germany, the clear class of the group, will be challenged at every turn, but ultimately they'll have a minimum of 7 points by the end of it. Portugal's trek to Manaus is from Salvador, an even longer trek than the US's flight from Natal, but American athletes are more used to long travel days than Portuguese athletes, potentially triggering Portugal's traditional choke job as well as the fact that everybody knows Cristiano Ronaldo's getting the ball all game and if you stop him, you essentially stop Portugal, a fact the US can exploit. (The most major piece of silverware Portugal has is this, the SkyDome Cup in 1995.) The Germans may be more inclined to rest their key players upon having already qualified, especially given easy Group H draws in the Round of 16, and if they drop points, it'll be there, as the US will have no such inclinations and in fact will likely be scrambling to win the second spot over Portugal, who will have just had a second long bit of travel of their own to Brasilia to play a Ghana team that by now is playing for pride. I think the US claims second in the group, with Portugal once again wondering WTF just happened.
GROUP H (Belgium, Algeria, Russia, South Korea): Belgium gets Belo Horizonte, Rio, Sao Paulo. Probably the kindest travel schedule possible and one you'd think Brazil would have reserved for themselves instead of the Sao Paulo/Fortaleza/Brasilia schedule they actually gave themselves. Algeria's got some historical demons they've yet to exorcise, but ever since the 1982 incident they've been pretty listless at the Cup and I don't see it changing here. South Korea and Russia played on neutral ground last month in Dubai; Russia won 2-1. It really could go either way when they meet again in Round 1 in Cuiaba; I have South Korea turning the tables and claiming second in the group.
ROUND OF 16:
Brazil/Spain, Belo Horizonte: This could be a final, but someone goes out here and will be pissed at having done so. Spain will be that pissed nation. The Spain match will end with probably nobody happy, actually: Brazil will be under immense pressure to advance despite the fact that the reigning champs are sitting across from them, with pressure added because of the next match down. I have it going down to a penalty shootout, and the Brazilian team will not be happy to have barely escaped.
Colombia/Uruguay, Rio: This'll be a rough one, probably an ugly one. The home fans will take Colombia here, because for God's sake, it's Uruguay... in the World Cup... at the Maracana. And even though Brazil's fans are concentrating on Belo Horizonte the same day, this is where the expectations start to weigh on them, as this bit of history starts to worm into the home heads. Uruguay, meanwhile, will be fired up for any Maracana game they get, for the same reasons (and they don't have one in their group).
Ecuador/Nigeria, Brasilia: The Brazil/Nigeria lovefest ends right here, and though it's another close one, Ecuador advances.
Germany/South Korea, Porto Alegre: Germany. Next.
Netherlands/Mexico, Fortaleza: Netherlands. Next.
Italy/Cote d'Ivoire, Recife: Italy. Next.
Argentina/France, Sao Paulo: Argentina. Next. Boy, this is easy!
Belgium/United States, Salvador: Okay, this one actually requires some thinking. Belgium is scary in the first place, they've had an easy group, they've had a plum travel arrangement, while the US comes in happy to have survived this long. It's a possible trap game for the Americans, but then, the US isn't going to walk through hell only to let themselves go out to a place they've made waffle and Jean-Claude Van Damme jokes about for years. They'd never hear the end of it. It's going to be another penalty shootout, with the US's superior goalkeeping seeing them through.
QUARTERFINALS:
Brazil/Uruguay, Fortaleza: And this? This is Brazil's Ghana. This is where the pressure becomes so large on the Brazilians as to cripple them and take their home-field advantage away. 1950 is going to loom large, and every single player on the Brazilian team knows what became of the 1950 squad. They last met in the Confederations Cup, and Brazil won 2-1 in Belo Horizonte, but this is a whole different animal than that. Brazil will not be Brazil. Brazil is going to come out playing to not lose. Which is different than playing to win, which Uruguay will be doing. Brazil goes out, and then goes into hiding, and economic protests start to mar the remainder of the Cup if they haven't already. What else is there to cheer about, after all?
Ecuador/Germany, Rio: Maybe in the group stage, Ecuador stands a shot. In the quarters, Germany all the way.
Netherlands/Italy, Salvador: Tough one to call. Probably one of the best games of the Cup here. I'll take the Netherlands, who I think has more left in the gas tank than Italy does.
Argentina/United States, Brasilia: Well, no shame for the Americans in going out to Lionel Messi. No Houdini tricks this time.
SEMIFINALS:
Uruguay/Germany, Belo Horizonte: Uruguay is now playing with house money. They've already won. Germany, not having already won, comes out with more of an edge.
Netherlands/Argentina, Sao Paulo: This would be their fifth World Cup meeting: Netherlands won in 1974, Argentina won the 1978 final, Netherlands won in 1998, they drew in 2006. 1978 happens to be the only one of the four to occur in South America. Argentina advances.
THIRD PLACE:
Uruguay/Netherlands, Brasilia: Seriously, who gives a damn. Netherlands if we have to pick one.
FINAL:
Germany/Argentina, Rio: The shock having begun to wore off and transforming to anger, the part of Brazil not having turned their attention to the economy lines up behind Germany to at least avoid Argentina walking off with the trophy. But then, Argentina's brought their folks over too, and they're going to be a whole lot louder. And at the end of the day, even though Germany is 4-1-1 against Argentina at the World Cup, home-continent advantage is just too strong to overcome. Once again, Argentina's only win came in the venue closest to their 2014 venue- it was the 1986 final in Mexico, the only one of the set in the Americas. In South America, all-time, Argentina has 2 wins, 1 draw, 1 loss. Make it 3. Argentina 3, Germany 2.
It is at this stage that I remind you I am terrible at predicting things. And we have no idea what the roster makeups will be. But hey, why not. Everybody else will, so why not give my own take on how I think the Cup will shake out now that we have everybody slotted into a schedule.
The schedule can be found here. We'll begin with the group stage.
GROUP A (Brazil, Croatia, Mexico, Cameroon): Brazil's going to pull 9 points, so let's just get that out of the way. The real fight is for the second transfer spot, and that'll essentially come down to Mexico and Croatia, who meet in round 3 by lucky happenstance. Croatia hasn't had the greatest form lately- they only managed to beat Liechtenstein 3-2, for example- but Mexico's had their own problems. They probably draw and it becomes a goal-differential battle, and Mexico's prone to higher scorelines one way or the other than Croatia is. I put Mexico through.
GROUP B (Spain, Netherlands, Chile, Australia): This may look like a deep group, but really, Spain and the Netherlands are the class of the group. They meet in Round 1, though, and if someone walks off having lost, Chile and Australia have two rounds to upend things. (Though their game is essentially an elimination game; a Chile/Australia loser is not going to find the points they need elsewhere.) The winner of Spain/Netherlands wins the group. The loser will essentially play the winner of Chile/Australia, presuming there is one, for the second transfer spot. Netherlands, on almost impeccable form lately, wins the group, Spain overcomes home-continent advantage to knock out Chile. Australia knows they're up against it and will probably be happy just to take points off whoever they can.
GROUP C (Colombia, Greece, Cote d'Ivoire, Japan): Cote d'Ivoire has been buried by tough draws in recent Cups. No excuses this time. Japan will make a strong showing for qualification- they'll have more of a home edge than a lot of people think as there's quite a bit of Japanese/Brazilian cultural exchange. I think they'll be Brazil's rooting interest in the group. Greece is just too out of sorts to qualify out of any group they're in. Colombia drew cities more towards the south- Belo Horizonte, Brasilia, Cuiaba- and that diminishes their home-continent edge. Had they gotten the northern cities the US got, had they been assigned to trek to Manaus, they'd be a lot closer to home soil. (But then, the only seeded team assigned to Manaus is Switzerland, so they didn't have too much hope of that going in.) You could put any of the non-Greek teams in any order you want and I'd call it reasonable. I had to work out scorelines to get it sorted out and I have Colombia getting 9 points, and Cote d'Ivoire advancing by one goal over Japan.
GROUP D (Uruguay, Costa Rica, England, Italy): Well, first off, Costa Rica's completely hosed. There isn't a point in sight for them. They are goal-differential fodder for the other three. England is reportedly firing up their 1966 glory machine even given who they've been given. I don't have them even making it out of the group. In good times, they're a quarterfinal side. This is not good times. Uruguay, meanwhile, has the same basic issue Colombia has: their game against England may be in Sao Paulo, but their other two games are in Fortaleza and Natal, taking them far from the Uruguayan border, and their ideal city of Porto Alegre was only available to one seeded team as well, in this case Argentina. It shouldn't exactly stop them, but it may help cost first place in the group, which I have going to Italy.
GROUP E (Switzerland, Ecuador, France, Honduras): Ecuador's another team that might have benefited from going to Manaus, but a Brasilia/Curitiba/Rio itinerary certainly is a decent consolation prize. France was in Porto Alegre in June against Brazil, though they lost 3-0. This time they play Honduras there. Ecuador played Honduras last month in Texas; they drew 2-2. Honduras, for their money, is looking to start taking points off people. They won't take enough to advance, but the draw's friendly enough for them to hope to get something, and if it's going to happen, it'll probably be against overrated Switzerland in Manaus. Ecuador/France in the Maracana will likely be for control of the group, and Ecuador's been on that particular stage a lot more than France has. Ecuador wins the group, France in second.
GROUP F (Argentina, Bosnia/Herzegovina, Iran, Nigeria): Argentina sleepwalks to 9 points. There is nothing in this group that is even in their league. The only hope of them dropping points is them sending out a B team against Nigeria after already having qualified by bludgeoning Bosnia/Herzegovina and Iran. Even then, if Nigeria threatens to get a result, the A team will get subbed in. And with the game in Porto Alegre, enough Argentinian fans will have come over the border for them not to want to go easy on whoever it is on the other side of the pitch. As for the second spot, Bosnia/Nigeria is the fight for runner-up; their game is in Cuiaba. Nigeria is also on pretty good terms with Brazil, and I see them as Brazil's preferred rooting interest. It should push them over the top against Bosnia.
GROUP G (Germany, Portugal, Ghana, United States): Well, no sleepwalking here. The US is going to come out guns blazing against Ghana, knowing the history, and with half a year to prep for it, I don't think Ghana wins this time. Meanwhile, Germany, the clear class of the group, will be challenged at every turn, but ultimately they'll have a minimum of 7 points by the end of it. Portugal's trek to Manaus is from Salvador, an even longer trek than the US's flight from Natal, but American athletes are more used to long travel days than Portuguese athletes, potentially triggering Portugal's traditional choke job as well as the fact that everybody knows Cristiano Ronaldo's getting the ball all game and if you stop him, you essentially stop Portugal, a fact the US can exploit. (The most major piece of silverware Portugal has is this, the SkyDome Cup in 1995.) The Germans may be more inclined to rest their key players upon having already qualified, especially given easy Group H draws in the Round of 16, and if they drop points, it'll be there, as the US will have no such inclinations and in fact will likely be scrambling to win the second spot over Portugal, who will have just had a second long bit of travel of their own to Brasilia to play a Ghana team that by now is playing for pride. I think the US claims second in the group, with Portugal once again wondering WTF just happened.
GROUP H (Belgium, Algeria, Russia, South Korea): Belgium gets Belo Horizonte, Rio, Sao Paulo. Probably the kindest travel schedule possible and one you'd think Brazil would have reserved for themselves instead of the Sao Paulo/Fortaleza/Brasilia schedule they actually gave themselves. Algeria's got some historical demons they've yet to exorcise, but ever since the 1982 incident they've been pretty listless at the Cup and I don't see it changing here. South Korea and Russia played on neutral ground last month in Dubai; Russia won 2-1. It really could go either way when they meet again in Round 1 in Cuiaba; I have South Korea turning the tables and claiming second in the group.
ROUND OF 16:
Brazil/Spain, Belo Horizonte: This could be a final, but someone goes out here and will be pissed at having done so. Spain will be that pissed nation. The Spain match will end with probably nobody happy, actually: Brazil will be under immense pressure to advance despite the fact that the reigning champs are sitting across from them, with pressure added because of the next match down. I have it going down to a penalty shootout, and the Brazilian team will not be happy to have barely escaped.
Colombia/Uruguay, Rio: This'll be a rough one, probably an ugly one. The home fans will take Colombia here, because for God's sake, it's Uruguay... in the World Cup... at the Maracana. And even though Brazil's fans are concentrating on Belo Horizonte the same day, this is where the expectations start to weigh on them, as this bit of history starts to worm into the home heads. Uruguay, meanwhile, will be fired up for any Maracana game they get, for the same reasons (and they don't have one in their group).
Ecuador/Nigeria, Brasilia: The Brazil/Nigeria lovefest ends right here, and though it's another close one, Ecuador advances.
Germany/South Korea, Porto Alegre: Germany. Next.
Netherlands/Mexico, Fortaleza: Netherlands. Next.
Italy/Cote d'Ivoire, Recife: Italy. Next.
Argentina/France, Sao Paulo: Argentina. Next. Boy, this is easy!
Belgium/United States, Salvador: Okay, this one actually requires some thinking. Belgium is scary in the first place, they've had an easy group, they've had a plum travel arrangement, while the US comes in happy to have survived this long. It's a possible trap game for the Americans, but then, the US isn't going to walk through hell only to let themselves go out to a place they've made waffle and Jean-Claude Van Damme jokes about for years. They'd never hear the end of it. It's going to be another penalty shootout, with the US's superior goalkeeping seeing them through.
QUARTERFINALS:
Brazil/Uruguay, Fortaleza: And this? This is Brazil's Ghana. This is where the pressure becomes so large on the Brazilians as to cripple them and take their home-field advantage away. 1950 is going to loom large, and every single player on the Brazilian team knows what became of the 1950 squad. They last met in the Confederations Cup, and Brazil won 2-1 in Belo Horizonte, but this is a whole different animal than that. Brazil will not be Brazil. Brazil is going to come out playing to not lose. Which is different than playing to win, which Uruguay will be doing. Brazil goes out, and then goes into hiding, and economic protests start to mar the remainder of the Cup if they haven't already. What else is there to cheer about, after all?
Ecuador/Germany, Rio: Maybe in the group stage, Ecuador stands a shot. In the quarters, Germany all the way.
Netherlands/Italy, Salvador: Tough one to call. Probably one of the best games of the Cup here. I'll take the Netherlands, who I think has more left in the gas tank than Italy does.
Argentina/United States, Brasilia: Well, no shame for the Americans in going out to Lionel Messi. No Houdini tricks this time.
SEMIFINALS:
Uruguay/Germany, Belo Horizonte: Uruguay is now playing with house money. They've already won. Germany, not having already won, comes out with more of an edge.
Netherlands/Argentina, Sao Paulo: This would be their fifth World Cup meeting: Netherlands won in 1974, Argentina won the 1978 final, Netherlands won in 1998, they drew in 2006. 1978 happens to be the only one of the four to occur in South America. Argentina advances.
THIRD PLACE:
Uruguay/Netherlands, Brasilia: Seriously, who gives a damn. Netherlands if we have to pick one.
FINAL:
Germany/Argentina, Rio: The shock having begun to wore off and transforming to anger, the part of Brazil not having turned their attention to the economy lines up behind Germany to at least avoid Argentina walking off with the trophy. But then, Argentina's brought their folks over too, and they're going to be a whole lot louder. And at the end of the day, even though Germany is 4-1-1 against Argentina at the World Cup, home-continent advantage is just too strong to overcome. Once again, Argentina's only win came in the venue closest to their 2014 venue- it was the 1986 final in Mexico, the only one of the set in the Americas. In South America, all-time, Argentina has 2 wins, 1 draw, 1 loss. Make it 3. Argentina 3, Germany 2.
Nelson Mandela, 1918-2013
“Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.” -Nelson Mandela
We all kind of knew it was coming- Mandela was, after all, 95, and bedridden for much of the year- but it doesn't make his loss any easier to take. Heads of state the world over, when they take office, in the back of their minds all dream of leaving this Earth in as exalted a state as Mandela, a state where the world simply... stops. A state where the world remembers their struggles, their rise, the profound ways in which they changed their nation and the world. A state in which respect for the dead is truly honored to its core-- there is always someone willing to remind the world of whatever failings a head of state may have had, but in their case few dare try and those that do are instantly pilloried. A state where one of the first reactions of mourners is not to cry, but to exchange bits and pieces of the wisdom they had imparted throughout their life. Rarely, very rarely, do any of the thousands of these world leaders reach such a state. Nelson Mandela did, and deservedly so.
We're all gonna miss you.
We all kind of knew it was coming- Mandela was, after all, 95, and bedridden for much of the year- but it doesn't make his loss any easier to take. Heads of state the world over, when they take office, in the back of their minds all dream of leaving this Earth in as exalted a state as Mandela, a state where the world simply... stops. A state where the world remembers their struggles, their rise, the profound ways in which they changed their nation and the world. A state in which respect for the dead is truly honored to its core-- there is always someone willing to remind the world of whatever failings a head of state may have had, but in their case few dare try and those that do are instantly pilloried. A state where one of the first reactions of mourners is not to cry, but to exchange bits and pieces of the wisdom they had imparted throughout their life. Rarely, very rarely, do any of the thousands of these world leaders reach such a state. Nelson Mandela did, and deservedly so.
We're all gonna miss you.
Thursday, December 5, 2013
How To Steal Cobalt-60
I know we just did one of these, but mother of God, folks. I can't pass this one up.
1. You'd think this would go without saying, but don't freaking steal cobalt-60.
2. In fact, make a dedicated effort not to steal anything whose name is an element on the periodic table followed by a number. Anything referred to in that manner is going to be bad, bad, bad.
3. Nor should you steal anything that is described as having a half-life.
4. If you are not sure what might be in the truck you are carjacking, ask yourself, 'could this truck possibly contain cobalt-60?' If you think the answer might be yes, don't steal the truck.
5. If confronted with a container of cobalt-60, for the love of all that's holy don't open the container you fool.
6. Cobalt-60 in particular is, aside from its intended purpose as use in medical equipment, is suitable to be the 'dirty' part of a 'dirty bomb', that is, it is the thing you would use in a dirty bomb to render an area uninhabitable. Not that anyone has actually built anything like that, but if they did, cobalt-60 would be a go-to material.
7. That is to say, exposure to cobalt-60 is going to kill you, and it will do so very quickly, though not so quickly that there won't be a period of mind-bendingly painful agony between Point A and Point B. Think maybe a couple days.
8. If you have lost enough of your mind to steal cobalt-60, expect every policeman in the whole wide country to stop at absolutely nothing to get it back (see steps 5 and 6). There's a nonzero chance that international authorities might wish to join them.
9. In fact, do not think 'get away from the cops'. Think 'get away from the military'. You do not have four wanted stars in Grand Theft Auto with cobalt-60 in your possession. You don't have five. You, my friend, have topped out at six stars. In fact, you may have managed to recode the game and given yourself a seventh or eighth.
10. However, do not expect the police to be particularly interested in catching you. This is not because they don't want you caught. In fact, they would like to see you punished very badly, even if they're satisfied that all you really wanted in the first place was the truck. The thing is, because cobalt-60 is ridiculously lethal, the police are going to figure that the problem is just going to take care of itself and the cobalt-60 is going to do a whole lot more thorough job on you than they ever could, and if you're going to be dying horribly soon anyway with no way to help you survive, much less recover to a healthy enough state to go to jail, it's probably not worth bothering. In fact, by the time they get around to holding the press conference, you might already be dead.
11. Besides, even if you do futilely manage to get yourself to a hospital in the vain hope that they might be able to do something, it's not exactly hard to keep an eye out for anyone checking into a hospital for radiation poisoning. That's a tad bit rarer than a broken leg or a case of the flu.
12. I'd say make the most of the time you've got left, but you'll be spending most of it screaming and crying.
1. You'd think this would go without saying, but don't freaking steal cobalt-60.
2. In fact, make a dedicated effort not to steal anything whose name is an element on the periodic table followed by a number. Anything referred to in that manner is going to be bad, bad, bad.
3. Nor should you steal anything that is described as having a half-life.
4. If you are not sure what might be in the truck you are carjacking, ask yourself, 'could this truck possibly contain cobalt-60?' If you think the answer might be yes, don't steal the truck.
5. If confronted with a container of cobalt-60, for the love of all that's holy don't open the container you fool.
6. Cobalt-60 in particular is, aside from its intended purpose as use in medical equipment, is suitable to be the 'dirty' part of a 'dirty bomb', that is, it is the thing you would use in a dirty bomb to render an area uninhabitable. Not that anyone has actually built anything like that, but if they did, cobalt-60 would be a go-to material.
7. That is to say, exposure to cobalt-60 is going to kill you, and it will do so very quickly, though not so quickly that there won't be a period of mind-bendingly painful agony between Point A and Point B. Think maybe a couple days.
8. If you have lost enough of your mind to steal cobalt-60, expect every policeman in the whole wide country to stop at absolutely nothing to get it back (see steps 5 and 6). There's a nonzero chance that international authorities might wish to join them.
9. In fact, do not think 'get away from the cops'. Think 'get away from the military'. You do not have four wanted stars in Grand Theft Auto with cobalt-60 in your possession. You don't have five. You, my friend, have topped out at six stars. In fact, you may have managed to recode the game and given yourself a seventh or eighth.
10. However, do not expect the police to be particularly interested in catching you. This is not because they don't want you caught. In fact, they would like to see you punished very badly, even if they're satisfied that all you really wanted in the first place was the truck. The thing is, because cobalt-60 is ridiculously lethal, the police are going to figure that the problem is just going to take care of itself and the cobalt-60 is going to do a whole lot more thorough job on you than they ever could, and if you're going to be dying horribly soon anyway with no way to help you survive, much less recover to a healthy enough state to go to jail, it's probably not worth bothering. In fact, by the time they get around to holding the press conference, you might already be dead.
11. Besides, even if you do futilely manage to get yourself to a hospital in the vain hope that they might be able to do something, it's not exactly hard to keep an eye out for anyone checking into a hospital for radiation poisoning. That's a tad bit rarer than a broken leg or a case of the flu.
12. I'd say make the most of the time you've got left, but you'll be spending most of it screaming and crying.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
That's Hot
Back in October, the Curiosity rover found... well, technically it found moist dirt, but that counted as finding water for scientific purposes. It'd be great to find bodies of water like we have on Earth, but you take what you can get.
Such as what NASA has found via the Hubble Telescope: water, or at least signs of water, on five distant planets which for now all still have those nigh-meaningless alphanumeric-soup placeholder names. The actual makeup of the water on each of them is uncertain, as the Hubble isn't quite that powerful, but we can at least analyze the atmospheres, as was done by aiming Hubble at each of them when they were passing in front of their respective suns.
Don't get too excited about those planets, as none of them are going to be remotely livable. All five are known as 'hot Jupiter' planets, which means they're big (and thereby easy to detect); they orbit very close to their parent sun with years as short as a couple days; and a lot of the time they're tidally locked, which means the same side of the planet is always facing its sun (our moon, for example, is tidally locked to Earth, thus the phrase 'dark side of the moon'). When a planet is tidally locked, it gets unbearably hot on the near side and unbearably cold on the far side, with only a narrow band in between that might be at a decent temperature.
However, there is one more thing to note. In the case of all five planets, the water signal was weaker than NASA was expecting, as there was dust obscuring the signal. Which means two things: first, hot Jupiters might have that dust as a common feature, and second, just because water can't be detected doesn't necessarily mean it's not there. The problem could well be with the tools or the signal and not with the planet.
And part of it is in fact the tool. Hubble is only strong enough to pick up water signals in gas-giant planets. Smaller, rockier planets like ours, planets in the habitable zone, need a more powerful telescope, and NASA isn't projected to have one of those up in the sky, the James Webb Telescope, until 2018. But the gas giants are taken as useful test cases, comparatively easy planets to monitor so the procedure can be fine-tuned for when the more difficult 'Earthlike' planets are ready to be looked at.
Until then, we can only fantasize at the ways in which those planets will be proven to be hilariously uninhabitable as well.
Such as what NASA has found via the Hubble Telescope: water, or at least signs of water, on five distant planets which for now all still have those nigh-meaningless alphanumeric-soup placeholder names. The actual makeup of the water on each of them is uncertain, as the Hubble isn't quite that powerful, but we can at least analyze the atmospheres, as was done by aiming Hubble at each of them when they were passing in front of their respective suns.
Don't get too excited about those planets, as none of them are going to be remotely livable. All five are known as 'hot Jupiter' planets, which means they're big (and thereby easy to detect); they orbit very close to their parent sun with years as short as a couple days; and a lot of the time they're tidally locked, which means the same side of the planet is always facing its sun (our moon, for example, is tidally locked to Earth, thus the phrase 'dark side of the moon'). When a planet is tidally locked, it gets unbearably hot on the near side and unbearably cold on the far side, with only a narrow band in between that might be at a decent temperature.
However, there is one more thing to note. In the case of all five planets, the water signal was weaker than NASA was expecting, as there was dust obscuring the signal. Which means two things: first, hot Jupiters might have that dust as a common feature, and second, just because water can't be detected doesn't necessarily mean it's not there. The problem could well be with the tools or the signal and not with the planet.
And part of it is in fact the tool. Hubble is only strong enough to pick up water signals in gas-giant planets. Smaller, rockier planets like ours, planets in the habitable zone, need a more powerful telescope, and NASA isn't projected to have one of those up in the sky, the James Webb Telescope, until 2018. But the gas giants are taken as useful test cases, comparatively easy planets to monitor so the procedure can be fine-tuned for when the more difficult 'Earthlike' planets are ready to be looked at.
Until then, we can only fantasize at the ways in which those planets will be proven to be hilariously uninhabitable as well.
Monday, December 2, 2013
Share At Your Own Risk
A lot has been made of the role of privacy in today's society. The general sentiment, long story short, is that most people don't think that the government- the NSA in particular- ought to have the kind of blanket access to online communication that it has. That drones shouldn't be up in the air monitoring our every move, much less delivering things for Amazon.com. That people should be able to go about their lives without fretting that someone from the government- or even someone else's government- may be looking at it at some point down the road.
Valid concerns all, to be sure.
Except that to a large degree, we've gleefully handed over the information ourselves. Nor does it require the government to get hold of it.
Meet comedian Jack Vale of Roseville, California. Now, most of Vale's humor involves fart jokes in some way, and his style of humor is the kind of thing that tends to get him banned from places. But we're not worrying about that. What we're concerning ourselves with is his recent 'social media experiment'. What Vale did was, he staked out various spots in the Los Angeles area. From that spot, he ran a search for recent posts geo-tagged to locations near his (meaning, whoever had made that post was still in the area). He picked out someone, then searched their various social-media platforms to see what he could find out about them just from what they themselves had made publicly available. Then he tried to find his targets, which as you can see was quite often accomplished.
Vale found out a rather substantial amount, as you will see.
(Vale also posted a reveal video, viewable here.)
So, sure, perhaps the government shouldn't get as much of a free hand as they might like. But when any random person can look up your social-media posts, come up to you on the street and tell you so much about yourself that you start getting jittery about your privacy... maybe the government isn't the real issue here.
Valid concerns all, to be sure.
Except that to a large degree, we've gleefully handed over the information ourselves. Nor does it require the government to get hold of it.
Meet comedian Jack Vale of Roseville, California. Now, most of Vale's humor involves fart jokes in some way, and his style of humor is the kind of thing that tends to get him banned from places. But we're not worrying about that. What we're concerning ourselves with is his recent 'social media experiment'. What Vale did was, he staked out various spots in the Los Angeles area. From that spot, he ran a search for recent posts geo-tagged to locations near his (meaning, whoever had made that post was still in the area). He picked out someone, then searched their various social-media platforms to see what he could find out about them just from what they themselves had made publicly available. Then he tried to find his targets, which as you can see was quite often accomplished.
Vale found out a rather substantial amount, as you will see.
(Vale also posted a reveal video, viewable here.)
So, sure, perhaps the government shouldn't get as much of a free hand as they might like. But when any random person can look up your social-media posts, come up to you on the street and tell you so much about yourself that you start getting jittery about your privacy... maybe the government isn't the real issue here.
Sunday, December 1, 2013
How To Burglarize A Home
1. Do not burglarize a home.
2. If you must burglarize a home, do not do so after having attempted to steal a GPS device earlier in your criminal career.
3. Do not steal a GPS device either. The police may decide to punish this behavior ironically by attaching an ankle bracelet to you.
4. If you have an ankle bracelet on, do not break the law while wearing it. It's not like you'll be able to come up with any kind of alibi.
5. If you must commit a crime while being monitored with an ankle bracelet, you're pretty much going to have to cut the thing off somehow first. The cops will know, because they've rigged it to alert them to such a thing, and they will want to have a word with you about it, but at least you can chuck it in the bushes or send it floating down the river or in the back of a random vehicle headed out of state or something to try and buy yourself some time to get into hiding.
6. If you're stealing a GPS device in the first place, actually, you should really know what GPS devices do.
7. Do not burglarize a home with an ankle bracelet on.
8. Do not burglarize a second home with an ankle bracelet on.
9-21. Do not burglarize 13 more homes after that with an ankle bracelet on.
2. If you must burglarize a home, do not do so after having attempted to steal a GPS device earlier in your criminal career.
3. Do not steal a GPS device either. The police may decide to punish this behavior ironically by attaching an ankle bracelet to you.
4. If you have an ankle bracelet on, do not break the law while wearing it. It's not like you'll be able to come up with any kind of alibi.
5. If you must commit a crime while being monitored with an ankle bracelet, you're pretty much going to have to cut the thing off somehow first. The cops will know, because they've rigged it to alert them to such a thing, and they will want to have a word with you about it, but at least you can chuck it in the bushes or send it floating down the river or in the back of a random vehicle headed out of state or something to try and buy yourself some time to get into hiding.
6. If you're stealing a GPS device in the first place, actually, you should really know what GPS devices do.
7. Do not burglarize a home with an ankle bracelet on.
8. Do not burglarize a second home with an ankle bracelet on.
9-21. Do not burglarize 13 more homes after that with an ankle bracelet on.
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