Gummed Up The Works

You ever swallow gum? I have. So, naturally, I ought to have a seven-year-large giganto-wad of gum in my colon, right? After all, you've heard the old wives' tale.

Wrong. Most of the gum gets broken down in our mouth or in our stomachs, and the gum base- though designed to not get broken down in your mouth- gets treated as waste product in your stomach, so it comes out like everything else. It comes out rather unchanged, but it comes out. Even when straight-up solid objects get swallowed that aren't even food, sometimes what they do is have you wait for it to come out the other end. If the cops see you swallow a piece of stolen property, they'll hold you in custody until it comes out. There's even a special procedure for that: you get held in what's called a dry cell- a cell without a toilet- and every time you need to poop, you get handed a bucket that they have a forensics guy dig through afterwards. And when it inevitably comes out, well, ain't no denying that you were in possession of stolen property after that. As for the gum, there was the case of one four-year-old kid that ate so much gum that his poop took on "taffy-like" properties- something I really don't want to think about- but that's an isolated incident, really. You will not have to have your poop suctioned out of your rectum.

And now I've probably made you think about poop being suctioned out of your rectum. Enjoy your football game.