Friday, May 20, 2011

Sarah At The Bat

(With apologies to Casey At The Bat)

The outlook wasn't brilliant for the Elephants that year,
Their field was far from settled, with straw polls drawing near.
And when Mike Huckabee withdrew his name, and Don Trump did alike,
Republicans worried far and near; who else could come down the pike?

Although from the Tea Party many wished to turn the page,
Tim Pawlenty and Mitt Romney were both so very beige.
Ron Paul was as loved and hated as the Malaysian durian,
Jon Huntsman Jr. stood accused of being Manchurian.

Rick Perry stuck in sev'ral minds; he'd bring the race alive.
But did he stand for fifty states, or one becoming five?
Herman Cain and Gary Johnson would bring a fresh perspective,
But asked who the heck they are again, they let loose much invective.

Speaker Newt lost face when he questioned Paul Ryan's notion.
As for Paul himself, he thought running quite the big demotion.
Haley Barbour of Mississippi shared Mike and Donald's fate;
He'd dropped out early in the race... or maybe decades late.

Mike Pence of Indiana would have fired up the base,
But also expectant mothers, who would've slapped him in the face.
Buddy Roemer emerged after a quarter-century in the mists,
But those who noticed him would rather quickly slit their wrists.

Rick Santorum's name would prove too easy to besmirch;
All a voter has to do is launch a Google search.
Jeb Bush is just unlucky; his name's too much of a curse;
Fred Karger and Roy Moore are only useful for this verse.

Giuliani's moment has long passed, but no one's thought to tell him yet,
Where most have brains, some think Bachmann has an off-key string quartet.
Mitch Daniels, Christie, Jim DeMint, none invoke conservative thrills.
The thought of two-term B. Hussein had begun to give them chills.

But then, a thought began to form: the former running mate.
Perhaps we could persuade the Grizzly to step up to the plate.
In, then out, but in again? the right began to chat.
Intrade would put up even money now, with Sarah at the bat.

Many dismissed this as crazy and despaired. The rest
Clung to that hope which springs eternal in the human breast;
"Sarah captivates with every tweet; she'd prove a hit for sure!
'Twas the fault of John McCain that voters proved overly demure!"

While some then looked up the word "demure", the others hit the books
And concluded Sarah's appeal was primarily her looks.
Rape kits, rambling, Tina Fey had combined to conspire,
"The "lamestream media" may be right, Sarah's outlook appears dire."

Sarah's reaction to Gabby Giffords had damaged her severely.
"This poll has Texas up for grabs! Are you guys thinking clearly?"
The believers, though, would not be budged; faith in Sarah was unmoving,
This was a race of principle. To hell with all the disapproving!

"Get lost, you dirty sexist pigs; bark up some other tree.
All I know is what I hear on Fox News and TLC.
I see a common-sense mother tough as nails, doncha know.
She's just like me, just with a chopper and backyard studio!"

"Fool!" cried the maddened liberals; moderates also shouted "Fool!"
"Before she runs, could she at least go back to grammar school?"
But Sarah does not listen when people tell her how to be;
Even if her willing-advisor count had plummeted to three.

The sneer has gone from Sarah's lip, her teeth are clenched in hate;
Which makes her ready as ever for any September debate.
And now she processes the Facebook feed, and now she will respond,
And now the media's enraptured, save for those across the pond.

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright,
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, but here there's a cold sweat;
The Elephants are cringing-- Sarah may lead this ticket yet.

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