Monday, February 27, 2012

What Part Of 'Mild Winter' Do You Not Understand?

Okay, fellow Wisconsinites. By request of my mom, who alerted me to your recent exploits, we need to have a chat.

Winter's been mild around here. You know that. I know that you know that. It's a very common topic of discussion here. We barely get snow. We got a decent snowfall here a few days back, but that's mostly melted. Barely any other snow's fallen all winter, at least in this part of the state. The weather has been warm enough that some of the time, it's been rain instead.

Now, Oshkosh isn't all THAT far north of Watertown. It's 63 miles to Oshkosh. You're north, but not by too much. So you haven't seen it get too cold either.

So let's, you and I, go through a little review course on the finer points of mild winters.

Q: What happens in mild weather? More to the point, what doesn't happen?
A: Ice freezing.

Q: What happens to frozen ice in mild weather?
A: Why, golly gee, Mr. Wizard, I believe it melts!

Q: Does ice frozen on Lake Winnebago melt as well?
A: I should goddamn hope so.

Q: What kind of event can you not hold on a lake when the ice is melting or has melted?
A: An ice fishing contest, among others.

Q: Why is this?
A: Because the ice might not be able to support the weight of those people and objects on the ice, and those things might break through the ice.

Q: What should you not put on a frozen lake when it is melting?
A: A motor vehicle, unless you're doing that thing where you park a beater out there and start a pool on what day it goes through, which kind of pollutes the lake so please stop doing that while we're on the subject.

Q: Should you listen to police when they advise you not to take a vehicle out on thin ice?
A: Yes.

Q: Should you listen to police when they advise you of this multiple times?
A: For the love of all that's holy, yes.

Q: So why the blue hell did you ignore multiple warnings from police and put 50 cars on Lake Winnebago on a mild day towards the end of a mild winter for an ice fishing contest, creating conditions under which 36 of your cars went through? Especially after cars had been going through the ice all month?
A: ...still waiting for an answer.

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