Friday, September 27, 2013

You Gave All The Money To Candy Crush

It looks like you're having problems with this economy. Perhaps this IPO could help you?

That's right, folks. Candy Crush creator has constructed an IPO out of candy corpses, peppermint bones and skulls filled with nougat. All is dead. All is only candy. The hopes and dreams of us all have slowly, inexorably descended into a gooey, chewy dimension constructed of the deceitful, child-enticing face of the day of witches, ghosts and death. A dimension where all days, at all hours, chilling songs can be heard by all, non-Euclidean songs that at first seem whimsical but are soon revealed to be the tale of men, strong men of great will, being driven slowly into madness and despair, all without changing a single note. A dimension where success is only temporary and fleeting, but where failures are unending and made to be relived again and again. A dimension where chocolate, long thought to be the nectar of the gods, reveals its true nature as an unfeeling, uncaring virus knowing naught but the urge to spread, to consume that which has long consumed it, to take the revenge which it is adamant must be taken. Oh, what a pity this is! Chocolate, our caring friend chocolate, whom has never before judged us in our respective times of woe, has become a zombified monster shuffling unrelentingly towards all that we hold dear in the world and must be put down like a common mongrel! WE CRY OUT TO IT, 'NO, CHOCOLATE, IT IS I, YOUR LOYAL FRIEND AND TRUE', BUT IT IS NO USE! ALAS! ALAS! Its mind is gone, gone forever, replaced by an insatiable, gnawing, ANIMAL urge to extinguish all life across the landscape before it, and when the end comes, when we finally run out of places to run and hide, when our time comes- and somehow each of us is made dreadfully, horribly aware of when our time will come- we die not only one death but five. Five times we must relive the terror. Five times we must relive the helplessness and the dread before we are allowed our peace... but lo, even our death will die, for we are allotted a mere 30 minutes of rest before we are once more thrust into battle against the--

*blink* *blink*

...I was talking about an IPO at some point.

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