Monday, October 14, 2013

How To Drive Drunk

1. Do not drive drunk.
2. Do not drive with your tail lights out. The people behind you kind of need those, because who still sticks their hand out the window to signal?
3. Do not drive while drunk with your tail lights out.
4. It is widely regarded as a very bad idea to represent yourself in court. Even if you yourself are a lawyer. People who do this usually lose, typically because they have no idea what the hell they're doing.
5. Jesus does not go around telling people to pour alcohol into their ears.
6. Pouring alcohol into your ears does not heal deafness.
7. Pouring alcohol into your ears does, however, make it bypass your liver and enter the bloodstream faster, thereby making you more drunk. It's the same effect as if you poured it into your eyes or up your butt or whatever other horrifying location you've decided to insert alcohol that isn't your mouth.
8. A breathalyzer may not be able to pick up the alcohol poured into your ears, but it can pick up the three beers you actually poured into your mouth, and some of the fourth beer you'd had earlier in the day.
9. Not that it came up here, but even if a breathalyzer doesn't register your ear alcohol, that is not the only test police use. Once at the police station, they also have the option of calling for a blood test. Which they will do if they suspect there's something the breathalyzer isn't picking up.

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