Thursday, September 11, 2014

How To Rob A Home

1. Do not rob a home.
2. If you must rob a home, remember that time is of the essence. One must get in and out of the house quickly, because there's little knowing when someone might return to the house. In the Discovery Channel series It Takes A Thief, which ran for two seasons from 2005-07, cohost and designated burglar Jon Douglas Rainey was usually able to break in, ransack that episode's target building (typically someone's house), and get out inside of 15 minutes.
3. Therefore, do not dally inside the house.
4. Get out of the house.
5. Do not lay down on the homeowner's bed.
6. Do not fall asleep on the aforementioned bed.
7. Do not lay the goods you were in the middle of stealing next to you as you go to bed.
8. Wake the fuck up, stupid; the cleaning lady just showed up.
9. Do not sleep through the cleaning lady calling the cops.
10. Do not also sleep through the cops arriving at the house.
11. Do not also sleep through the cops taking photos of you, still snoozing next to the goods.
12. Well, at that point it really doesn't matter what you do, does it? I mean, the cops are right there ready to arrest you the second you finally roll your butt out of bed, assuming they even wait for that to happen.

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