Mmmmmmm. Warm, tropical Mexico. The snow around here is starting to stick, so the RNG landing on Mexico really does the oh wait there's a drug war there. Drat.
Mmmmmmm. Nice, safe Wisconsin, where the guns are primarily focused on deer.
This one is really particularly depressing, standing out amongst the by now depressingly hollow-sounding arrest of a regional leader of one of the many cartels and the gruesomely familiar-sounding uncovering of a mass grave containing 18 people. Two months ago, Hermila Garcia, a 38-year-old lawyer, took the job of police chief in Meoqui, a border town in Chihuahua state with a 90-person force, because nobody else would. The job had been vacant for a year. Garcia made news for electing not to carry guns or other weapons, choosing to instead try and talk her way out of any problems. Her figuring was "If you don't owe anything, you don't fear anything."
Yesterday morning, she was proven wrong. She was gunned down by drug traffickers at about 7:20 AM yesterday. She was driving to work alone.
An AP photo here shows that federal officers have now assumed control. They may be waiting a while before anyone else steps forward.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
News of Breaking Late Cheesecake Importance World
News aggregators are one of my favorite tools for finding things out. As I've said before, even though you don't see the widest variety of stories on cable news, there's plenty to be known, and whatever you want to know about, someone somewhere has likely reported on it recently.
That's the thing, though. Someone went out and wrote the article. It might be a lazily-done thing, but someone thought about the words they were putting down and actively said 'okay, this is good enough for me to submit'.
Someone, however, somewhere, one day got the idea that this was too much work. They would prefer to just have the computer write the story for them. This is how the scourge of automated news has come to be. Automated news writes stories according to an algorithm of some sort based on the writings of others. These writings are then combined, mashed up, and then presented as a unique piece.
Luckily for us, they do an awful job of it. Let's take this site here, which titles itself "Latest Update Headline News".
I'll use, just as an example, something totally innocuous and noncontroversial, a weird-news story: namely, that of a woman stripping naked on a flight from Chicago to New York. Let's start by showing how an actual human being working for the Associated Press- and reported in USA Today- reports on this:
And now to the automated version of events from "Latest Update Headline News", which for you may read differently from this, as the exact text may change over time:
Any questions?
Well, yes, but I meant about the quality of the articles. One was coherently written, the other is Babelfish News.
Why? Why would someone do this? There are two possible reasons, far as I can figure:
1: Someone is just that lazy. In which case, find another line of work. That's just plain awful.
2: Ad revenue. Someone doesn't even care if they have a coherent article. They just want someone to mistake it for one long enough to get them in front of some ads, which if clicked make that someone money.
It's not likely you'll come across these places very often- they're a drop in the bucket. But it's really troubling that they exist at all. Let's try and make sure they stay a drop in the bucket. Don't click their ads, and really, try not to click their links if you can pick them out.
That's the thing, though. Someone went out and wrote the article. It might be a lazily-done thing, but someone thought about the words they were putting down and actively said 'okay, this is good enough for me to submit'.
Someone, however, somewhere, one day got the idea that this was too much work. They would prefer to just have the computer write the story for them. This is how the scourge of automated news has come to be. Automated news writes stories according to an algorithm of some sort based on the writings of others. These writings are then combined, mashed up, and then presented as a unique piece.
Luckily for us, they do an awful job of it. Let's take this site here, which titles itself "Latest Update Headline News".
I'll use, just as an example, something totally innocuous and noncontroversial, a weird-news story: namely, that of a woman stripping naked on a flight from Chicago to New York. Let's start by showing how an actual human being working for the Associated Press- and reported in USA Today- reports on this:
Police have removed an emotionally disturbed passenger who stripped naked on a flight between Chicago and New York.
The incident happened Saturday night as Delta Flight 6562 began its descent into Kennedy Airport.
A Newsday news manager who was on the flight said flight attendants tried to cover the woman with a blanket while she yelled "No! No! No!"
The Newsday manager, David Holland, said that when the plane landed, other passengers got off before police removed the woman.
A spokeswoman for the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey said the woman was taken to Jamaica Hospital Medical Center.
The woman's name was not released. She is not expected to be criminally charged.
And now to the automated version of events from "Latest Update Headline News", which for you may read differently from this, as the exact text may change over time:
Woman Strips Naked On JFK-Bound Flight: Police hаνе private аn emotionally uneasy newcomer whο nude exposed οn the moody between Chicago аnd Nеw York. Thе situation happened Saturday night аѕ Delta Flight 6562 ѕtаrtеd іtѕ skirmish іntο Kennedy Airport. Reports ѕаіd thаt thе Flight attendent hаѕ attempted tο cover thе women bυt ѕhе denied tο bе lonesome up. ѕhе announced NO NO NO!.
Thе reason οf hеr shameful try hаѕ nοt bееn tοld nοr thе name οf thе women revealed. Thе Newsday manager, David Holland, ѕаіd thаt whеn thе craft landed, οthеr passengers gοt οff prior to military private thе woman. Later οn, thе lady wаѕ taken tο Jamaica Hospital Medical Center.
Any questions?
Well, yes, but I meant about the quality of the articles. One was coherently written, the other is Babelfish News.
Why? Why would someone do this? There are two possible reasons, far as I can figure:
1: Someone is just that lazy. In which case, find another line of work. That's just plain awful.
2: Ad revenue. Someone doesn't even care if they have a coherent article. They just want someone to mistake it for one long enough to get them in front of some ads, which if clicked make that someone money.
It's not likely you'll come across these places very often- they're a drop in the bucket. But it's really troubling that they exist at all. Let's try and make sure they stay a drop in the bucket. Don't click their ads, and really, try not to click their links if you can pick them out.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
All Hail The Chinese Strongmen
The BBC aside, state-run media's usually not all that great a source. It often tends to be a little heavy-handed towards glorifying the state and the party that runs it. CCTV of China is no exception.
And you will see examples of that in the piece provided today, but if you can get past that, here's ten minutes on how weightlifters get those big heavy things over their heads. It is, after all, an Olympic sport, with plenty of medals up for grabs, and China knows a thing or two about those.
And you will see examples of that in the piece provided today, but if you can get past that, here's ten minutes on how weightlifters get those big heavy things over their heads. It is, after all, an Olympic sport, with plenty of medals up for grabs, and China knows a thing or two about those.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Third-World Health News
In 1989, the United Nations called for the elimination of neonatal tetanus. A decade later, they tossed in maternal tetanus. I'm sure you know what a tetanus shot is.
Well, a few days ago, Mozambique managed to eliminate it; elimination being defined as less than 1 case per 1,000 live births. The WHO estimates there are 40 countries to go, but hasn't updated to reflect Mozambique, so really, 39 to go now.
Myanmar knocked it out back in June.
The death rate has come down 92% from the late 1980's to the last available numbers in 2008. But it's always those last annoying percentage points that prove the toughest. They were hoping to have it gone by now.
Well, a few days ago, Mozambique managed to eliminate it; elimination being defined as less than 1 case per 1,000 live births. The WHO estimates there are 40 countries to go, but hasn't updated to reflect Mozambique, so really, 39 to go now.
Myanmar knocked it out back in June.
The death rate has come down 92% from the late 1980's to the last available numbers in 2008. But it's always those last annoying percentage points that prove the toughest. They were hoping to have it gone by now.
Friday, November 26, 2010
The Double-Barreled Cannon
Chain shot was introduced to warfare in the 1600's by the French navy. This is two cannonballs or other projectiles connected by something, such as chain. The French used it to rip down the masts of enemy boats, to great effect, such that it became a common feature of naval warfare.
During the American Civil War, John Gilleland of Athens, Georgia tried to being the chain shot to land combat, with the one and only double-barreled cannon. It looked like any other cannon, except, well, double-barreled. It worked by placing a cannonball in each barrel, connected by a length of chain. If you wished to use it like a normal cannon, you could do that too; there were three fuses in back: one for each barrel, and then one for both together.
In April 1862, on Athens' north side, it was ready for a demonstration.
Now, the intent of the double-barreled cannon was to help cut down on the North's manpower advantage over the South. The South knew it had to do that much extra damage to the North, or else they were going to lose a war of attrition. The hope was to fire the cannon, cut a wide path of chaotic destruction, and advance through the havoc that had been wrought.
And to the cannon's credit, that is exactly what it did.
To its detriment, it did it a little too well.
The chain refused to stay connected no matter how many times they tried to fire. The cannonballs would come out, spin around wildly, and at some point the chain would always break, sending the cannonballs in two different directions of doom. One eyewitness of the first firing noted that the shot "plowed up about an acre of ground, tore up a cornfield, mowed down saplings, and [then] the chain broke, the two balls going in different directions." Another firing saw the chain break immediately, with one ball taking out the chimney of a nearby cabin, and the other turning a cow into hamburger. Some reports- unverified- claim there to be a handful of human deaths; in any case, the spectators all headed for the hills.
Well, Gilleland was happy with it. He sent it to the Confederate government in Richmond, Virginia, who sent it back, begging to differ.
It didn't remain totally out of combat, though. It saw a bit of airplay. After the failure as a weapon, it was moved to the Athens town hall as a signaling device. It got to signal in August 1864, late in the war. It, according to one account, was moved a few miles north of town, loaded with canisters, and fired sans chain.
This time, it had the proper effect. It turned out that if you took the chain out of the equation, the cannon fired just fine. Too late to save the gun's legacy, but good enough to win the day. The Northern troops saw what was getting fired and ran for their lives. After all, those crazy Confederates have a freaking double-barreled cannon.
Who knows what that thing's capable of?!
At least, that's one account. Other accounts disagree, saying that no canisters were fired, or that it was some other, normal cannon that did it and this story was just concocted to save the gun's reputation. In any case, the North did come into Athens in 1865, and disabled the damn thing just in case. It currently sits back at Athens town hall, used occasionally for ceremonial purposes.
Still pointing north.
During the American Civil War, John Gilleland of Athens, Georgia tried to being the chain shot to land combat, with the one and only double-barreled cannon. It looked like any other cannon, except, well, double-barreled. It worked by placing a cannonball in each barrel, connected by a length of chain. If you wished to use it like a normal cannon, you could do that too; there were three fuses in back: one for each barrel, and then one for both together.
In April 1862, on Athens' north side, it was ready for a demonstration.
Now, the intent of the double-barreled cannon was to help cut down on the North's manpower advantage over the South. The South knew it had to do that much extra damage to the North, or else they were going to lose a war of attrition. The hope was to fire the cannon, cut a wide path of chaotic destruction, and advance through the havoc that had been wrought.
And to the cannon's credit, that is exactly what it did.
To its detriment, it did it a little too well.
The chain refused to stay connected no matter how many times they tried to fire. The cannonballs would come out, spin around wildly, and at some point the chain would always break, sending the cannonballs in two different directions of doom. One eyewitness of the first firing noted that the shot "plowed up about an acre of ground, tore up a cornfield, mowed down saplings, and [then] the chain broke, the two balls going in different directions." Another firing saw the chain break immediately, with one ball taking out the chimney of a nearby cabin, and the other turning a cow into hamburger. Some reports- unverified- claim there to be a handful of human deaths; in any case, the spectators all headed for the hills.
Well, Gilleland was happy with it. He sent it to the Confederate government in Richmond, Virginia, who sent it back, begging to differ.
It didn't remain totally out of combat, though. It saw a bit of airplay. After the failure as a weapon, it was moved to the Athens town hall as a signaling device. It got to signal in August 1864, late in the war. It, according to one account, was moved a few miles north of town, loaded with canisters, and fired sans chain.
This time, it had the proper effect. It turned out that if you took the chain out of the equation, the cannon fired just fine. Too late to save the gun's legacy, but good enough to win the day. The Northern troops saw what was getting fired and ran for their lives. After all, those crazy Confederates have a freaking double-barreled cannon.
Who knows what that thing's capable of?!
At least, that's one account. Other accounts disagree, saying that no canisters were fired, or that it was some other, normal cannon that did it and this story was just concocted to save the gun's reputation. In any case, the North did come into Athens in 1865, and disabled the damn thing just in case. It currently sits back at Athens town hall, used occasionally for ceremonial purposes.
Still pointing north.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
"Free Copy - Take It. We'll Replace It!"
And so it was that I obtained the oddest souvenir of my Hawaii vacation: the SkyMall catalog from the plane.
For anyone who has either never been on a plane, or who has never looked in that pouch in front of their seat, SkyMall is a catalog full of things you can buy- via credit card, of course- during the flight (or during the 48 hours post-flight, at least if you'd like bonus miles or discounts).
It is also some very fine in-flight entertainment.
Founded in 1990, SkyMall was created when Robert M. Worsley, flying to Seattle to Phoenix in 1989, thumbed through a Giftmaster catalog on the plane and was "startled by the poor merchandise". He set out to replace it with expensive and oddball merchandise which initially sold so poorly that SkyMall was forced to cover the cost of the extra fuel required to carry the catalogs. On top of all that, Wolsley had a heart attack in the middle of the 1991 company Christmas party. The company nearly died, being saved only when they started charging vendors by the page to appear in the catalog, and ceasing to carry inventory themselves, instead having merchandise directly sent to consumers (an initial plan was to have them order on the plane and have the purchases waiting for them at their destination). Since then, things have slowly, steadily improved for SkyMall.
That established.
When looking through the Holiday 2010 SkyMall catalog, the ridiculousness hits hard and heavy. In no particular order, and remember that all of these are actual products, linked to prove it:
"The water squirting remote controlled car." That's right, for those times when a Super Soaker just won't do, now there's an RC car you can fill with 8.5 ounces of water that can then shoot a target from 15 feet away. It's the Predator Drone of water gun battles! Amaze and piss off your friends by hiding in the living room while you get everyone wet in a manner where they can't get you back! Then gaze in awe, or actually, don't gaze, as the second the car's out of your line of sight, you accidentally run it into a wall, and then your friends stomp on it until it's a little pile of scrap! Only $99.95!
"The touchscreen video poker game." You know those little handheld poker games you can get at just about any store of sufficient size for around $15? Well, now you can get one with "touch-sensitive, color LCD with crystal-clear resolution" and seven kinds of poker included, all for the low, low, not actually low price of $99.95!
"The remote controlled tarantula. This remote-controlled tarantula scurries across flat surfaces like an actual arachnid, moving forwards and backwards on command. The spider's thorax and abdomen conceal two motors: one that drives a set of wheels that provide directional movement and one that enables the eight legs to twitch, allowing you to frighten unsuspecting arachnophobes day or night from 25' away. It has a hairy exterior, similar to the urticating hairs that cover a tarantula's abdomen, and its chelicerae suggest two hidden fangs." And you too can be an incredible dick to anyone you know who's scared of spiders for only $29.95!
"The "Keep Your Distance" bug vacuum." It's a two-foot vacuum, for bugs, that sucks them up and then zaps them. And if YOU'RE too lazy to swing a fly swatter, this can all be yours for $59.95!
"The marshmallow shooter." It's a toy gun. It shoots marshmallows 30 feet. It can also shoot foam pellets, but those aren't included. That's $24.95, BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! Are you just not sure what to shoot your marshmallows at? Then get the Marshmallow Target, which "plays one of four different sounds when hit. Requires two AA batteries", for only $19.95 more!
"The voice-interactive alarm clock." Knows 12 phrases, none of which are "Shut the hell up, I'm trying to sleep." $49.95.
"The Brobdingnagian sports chair." It's one of those fold-up fabric chairs, but 5 and a half feet tall. Sure to irritate any poor schmucks behind you, but the back serves as an ideal shield for any beer they wish to throw at you! Unless they stand up and are over 5 feet, 6 inches tall. This golden shower comes for only $149.95!
"These little helmets are guaranteed to be a big hit with true NFL fans." Namely, miniature helmets of all 32 NFL teams. I have a set of these helmets myself. They did not come with a wooden display case, but then, I don't need a wooden display case. And in any event, the helmets cost me far, far less than $99.99.
Speaking of, let's move on to the coasters. The SkyMall catalog provides for eight teams, five baseball, three football: the Cubs, Dodgers, St. Louis Cardinals, Yankees, Red Sox, Cowboys, Jets, and New York Giants. The rest of Major League Baseball, though, is available through the website, along with the Alabama Crimson Tide. You get a set of four per team for the low, low, price of $39.99. That's only $10 per coaster. But really, what's the cost compared with the unthinkable scenario of that little tiny bit of wetness on your table?
Or dirt? On second thought, scratch that: you can buy the dirt! Authentic dirt! The baseball coasters come with a small bit of actual dirt included (the football ones with authentic FieldTurf)! You can also buy dirt in paperweight form, coming from either the inaugural season of the Minnesota Twins' Target Field, the final season of Old Yankee Stadium, or any old dirt from Fenway Park! Again, it's authentic; we're not screwing you with that garbage you've got in your front yard. It will, however, run you $49.99.
Or-- OR-- if you're a Twins fan and don't want your dirt authenticated from the inaugural season of Target Field, you can get your dirt alongside a picture of Joe Mauer! It's an extra $10, making it $59.99, but... Joe Mauer! A picture of him! You can also get Phillies dirt with a picture of Roy Halladay, Giants dirt with a picture of Tim Lincecum, Rockies dirt with a picture of Troy Tulowitski, Nationals dirt with a picture of Stephen Strasburg, or Yankees dirt with a picture of Derek Jeter getting his 2,722nd career hit! (That was the one where he passed Lou Gehrig for the Yankees team record, which everyone will immediately forget about the second he reaches 3,000.)
Or, if you're on a budget, you can get stupid old Wrigley Field dirt for $29.99. You cheap bastard.
Yankees fans can also have sod from Old Yankee Stadium- dirt with freeze-dried grass attached- for $99.99, a brick from Monument Park for $179.99, an even older brick from Old Yankee Stadium for $349.99, an autographed picture of Alex Rodriguez for $499.99, or a seat from Old Yankee Stadium for $799.99, which I hope you're buying for the historic value, because the seat itself is about as comfortable as you'd expect a baseball stadium seat to be.
"Take your favorite car for a spin every time you work on your computer." These are Road Mice, miniatures of various cars that function as computer mice. They're basically computer mice, but with turning circles. Wired for $34.99, wireless for $44.99, or you can have 'premium' computer-mice models of fancier cars for only $64.99!
"Give a gift of money or a gift card inside one of these games- they'll have to win the game to get their prize." For $14.99, you can force your friend to play pinball to claim their gift. For only $12.99, you can make them shuffle a little ball through a cubic maze difficult enough to where there's a chance they will never claim their gift at all and proceed to hate you even more than if you hadn't given them a damn thing! So much more thoughtful than doing something silly like tacking the cost of the game onto the value of the gift and just giving that to the friend, and so much more exciting than the utter predictability of still having a friend at the end of the night!
You know those inflatable floppy dancing guys you see outside car dealerships? Why, from the comfort of an airplane, you can buy your very own for $499! Or a hot air balloon for $1,895 (catalog includes inflatable Godzilla)! Or a giant inflatable panda with a shirt on for $2,295!
"Personalized New York Times birthday book." This is a book consisting of a reprint of the New York Times from the day you were born- a complete reprint, with the ads, the personals, everything. Perfect for anyone in your family who doesn't know enough to Google the same exact thing. Only $99.95!
"Irrational numbers wall clock." Are your clocks usable by normal human beings? You can fix that problem for only $34.95 by replacing the numbers 1-12 with a series of irrational numbers, such as pi, or the square root of 2! It's always 3.14159-o'clock somewhere! And if you're too embarrassed by your hometown to say it outright, why not get a personalized latitude/longitude welcome mat for $32.95? It says "WELCOME TO" and then the coordinates of your hometown.
For four dollars more, it's also available as a watch.
Is your garden just too tasteful? Why not mar the entire neighborhood with with a statue of a naked peeing child? "This classic image will bring timeless art to your home or garden." As well as many interesting visitors! A replica of Brussels' Mannekinpis can be had, complete with a "recirculating pump to create a fountain display" for a mere $198!
"Lightsaber Chopsticks." For the Star Wars fan who has everything! Everything. A disturbing amount of things. Quick, shuffle through any random catalog you can find and look for something he might not have yet. Aside from a girlfriend. Only $21.99. Or you can get a Jawa garden gnome for $34.99, a Darth Vader toaster for $54.99 (burns an image of Darth Vader into the toast!), or a Death Star cookie jar for $49.99.
And, of course, if you don't have the skill to hit a golf ball 200 feet with a golf club- that's 67 yards- you can purchase a trebuchet to do the job for you for $149.
Get moving. Black Friday's tomorrow.
For anyone who has either never been on a plane, or who has never looked in that pouch in front of their seat, SkyMall is a catalog full of things you can buy- via credit card, of course- during the flight (or during the 48 hours post-flight, at least if you'd like bonus miles or discounts).
It is also some very fine in-flight entertainment.
Founded in 1990, SkyMall was created when Robert M. Worsley, flying to Seattle to Phoenix in 1989, thumbed through a Giftmaster catalog on the plane and was "startled by the poor merchandise". He set out to replace it with expensive and oddball merchandise which initially sold so poorly that SkyMall was forced to cover the cost of the extra fuel required to carry the catalogs. On top of all that, Wolsley had a heart attack in the middle of the 1991 company Christmas party. The company nearly died, being saved only when they started charging vendors by the page to appear in the catalog, and ceasing to carry inventory themselves, instead having merchandise directly sent to consumers (an initial plan was to have them order on the plane and have the purchases waiting for them at their destination). Since then, things have slowly, steadily improved for SkyMall.
That established.
When looking through the Holiday 2010 SkyMall catalog, the ridiculousness hits hard and heavy. In no particular order, and remember that all of these are actual products, linked to prove it:
"The water squirting remote controlled car." That's right, for those times when a Super Soaker just won't do, now there's an RC car you can fill with 8.5 ounces of water that can then shoot a target from 15 feet away. It's the Predator Drone of water gun battles! Amaze and piss off your friends by hiding in the living room while you get everyone wet in a manner where they can't get you back! Then gaze in awe, or actually, don't gaze, as the second the car's out of your line of sight, you accidentally run it into a wall, and then your friends stomp on it until it's a little pile of scrap! Only $99.95!
"The touchscreen video poker game." You know those little handheld poker games you can get at just about any store of sufficient size for around $15? Well, now you can get one with "touch-sensitive, color LCD with crystal-clear resolution" and seven kinds of poker included, all for the low, low, not actually low price of $99.95!
"The remote controlled tarantula. This remote-controlled tarantula scurries across flat surfaces like an actual arachnid, moving forwards and backwards on command. The spider's thorax and abdomen conceal two motors: one that drives a set of wheels that provide directional movement and one that enables the eight legs to twitch, allowing you to frighten unsuspecting arachnophobes day or night from 25' away. It has a hairy exterior, similar to the urticating hairs that cover a tarantula's abdomen, and its chelicerae suggest two hidden fangs." And you too can be an incredible dick to anyone you know who's scared of spiders for only $29.95!
"The "Keep Your Distance" bug vacuum." It's a two-foot vacuum, for bugs, that sucks them up and then zaps them. And if YOU'RE too lazy to swing a fly swatter, this can all be yours for $59.95!
"The marshmallow shooter." It's a toy gun. It shoots marshmallows 30 feet. It can also shoot foam pellets, but those aren't included. That's $24.95, BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! Are you just not sure what to shoot your marshmallows at? Then get the Marshmallow Target, which "plays one of four different sounds when hit. Requires two AA batteries", for only $19.95 more!
"The voice-interactive alarm clock." Knows 12 phrases, none of which are "Shut the hell up, I'm trying to sleep." $49.95.
"The Brobdingnagian sports chair." It's one of those fold-up fabric chairs, but 5 and a half feet tall. Sure to irritate any poor schmucks behind you, but the back serves as an ideal shield for any beer they wish to throw at you! Unless they stand up and are over 5 feet, 6 inches tall. This golden shower comes for only $149.95!
"These little helmets are guaranteed to be a big hit with true NFL fans." Namely, miniature helmets of all 32 NFL teams. I have a set of these helmets myself. They did not come with a wooden display case, but then, I don't need a wooden display case. And in any event, the helmets cost me far, far less than $99.99.
Speaking of, let's move on to the coasters. The SkyMall catalog provides for eight teams, five baseball, three football: the Cubs, Dodgers, St. Louis Cardinals, Yankees, Red Sox, Cowboys, Jets, and New York Giants. The rest of Major League Baseball, though, is available through the website, along with the Alabama Crimson Tide. You get a set of four per team for the low, low, price of $39.99. That's only $10 per coaster. But really, what's the cost compared with the unthinkable scenario of that little tiny bit of wetness on your table?
Or dirt? On second thought, scratch that: you can buy the dirt! Authentic dirt! The baseball coasters come with a small bit of actual dirt included (the football ones with authentic FieldTurf)! You can also buy dirt in paperweight form, coming from either the inaugural season of the Minnesota Twins' Target Field, the final season of Old Yankee Stadium, or any old dirt from Fenway Park! Again, it's authentic; we're not screwing you with that garbage you've got in your front yard. It will, however, run you $49.99.
Or-- OR-- if you're a Twins fan and don't want your dirt authenticated from the inaugural season of Target Field, you can get your dirt alongside a picture of Joe Mauer! It's an extra $10, making it $59.99, but... Joe Mauer! A picture of him! You can also get Phillies dirt with a picture of Roy Halladay, Giants dirt with a picture of Tim Lincecum, Rockies dirt with a picture of Troy Tulowitski, Nationals dirt with a picture of Stephen Strasburg, or Yankees dirt with a picture of Derek Jeter getting his 2,722nd career hit! (That was the one where he passed Lou Gehrig for the Yankees team record, which everyone will immediately forget about the second he reaches 3,000.)
Or, if you're on a budget, you can get stupid old Wrigley Field dirt for $29.99. You cheap bastard.
Yankees fans can also have sod from Old Yankee Stadium- dirt with freeze-dried grass attached- for $99.99, a brick from Monument Park for $179.99, an even older brick from Old Yankee Stadium for $349.99, an autographed picture of Alex Rodriguez for $499.99, or a seat from Old Yankee Stadium for $799.99, which I hope you're buying for the historic value, because the seat itself is about as comfortable as you'd expect a baseball stadium seat to be.
"Take your favorite car for a spin every time you work on your computer." These are Road Mice, miniatures of various cars that function as computer mice. They're basically computer mice, but with turning circles. Wired for $34.99, wireless for $44.99, or you can have 'premium' computer-mice models of fancier cars for only $64.99!
"Give a gift of money or a gift card inside one of these games- they'll have to win the game to get their prize." For $14.99, you can force your friend to play pinball to claim their gift. For only $12.99, you can make them shuffle a little ball through a cubic maze difficult enough to where there's a chance they will never claim their gift at all and proceed to hate you even more than if you hadn't given them a damn thing! So much more thoughtful than doing something silly like tacking the cost of the game onto the value of the gift and just giving that to the friend, and so much more exciting than the utter predictability of still having a friend at the end of the night!
You know those inflatable floppy dancing guys you see outside car dealerships? Why, from the comfort of an airplane, you can buy your very own for $499! Or a hot air balloon for $1,895 (catalog includes inflatable Godzilla)! Or a giant inflatable panda with a shirt on for $2,295!
"Personalized New York Times birthday book." This is a book consisting of a reprint of the New York Times from the day you were born- a complete reprint, with the ads, the personals, everything. Perfect for anyone in your family who doesn't know enough to Google the same exact thing. Only $99.95!
"Irrational numbers wall clock." Are your clocks usable by normal human beings? You can fix that problem for only $34.95 by replacing the numbers 1-12 with a series of irrational numbers, such as pi, or the square root of 2! It's always 3.14159-o'clock somewhere! And if you're too embarrassed by your hometown to say it outright, why not get a personalized latitude/longitude welcome mat for $32.95? It says "WELCOME TO" and then the coordinates of your hometown.
For four dollars more, it's also available as a watch.
Is your garden just too tasteful? Why not mar the entire neighborhood with with a statue of a naked peeing child? "This classic image will bring timeless art to your home or garden." As well as many interesting visitors! A replica of Brussels' Mannekinpis can be had, complete with a "recirculating pump to create a fountain display" for a mere $198!
"Lightsaber Chopsticks." For the Star Wars fan who has everything! Everything. A disturbing amount of things. Quick, shuffle through any random catalog you can find and look for something he might not have yet. Aside from a girlfriend. Only $21.99. Or you can get a Jawa garden gnome for $34.99, a Darth Vader toaster for $54.99 (burns an image of Darth Vader into the toast!), or a Death Star cookie jar for $49.99.
And, of course, if you don't have the skill to hit a golf ball 200 feet with a golf club- that's 67 yards- you can purchase a trebuchet to do the job for you for $149.
Get moving. Black Friday's tomorrow.
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