Saturday, August 25, 2012

The Republican National Convention, Or At Least It Should Be

So there's a chance that the Republican National Convention in Tampa, beginning on Monday, will be at the very least inconvenienced by the approaching Hurricane Issac. It's not expected to do anything like curtail or cancel the convention, although you never know. In the event that something crazy does happen, though (UPDATE: It appears it actually has), I have taken the liberty of supplying the GOP with a replacement convention.

Oh, look, it's starting now.


"Welcome back to Campaigns. The Red Jaguars have made it through the Temple Games and have proven themselves worthy, and now have earned the right to enter Olmec's Temple. But first, Olmec will give them some information to help them retrieve the 270th Vote of the Electoral College."

(NOTE TO CHILDREN OF THE 90'S: You are now reading the following in Olmec's voice.)

"You could start by heading up the stairs to the Room of the Vanishing Snowe. Reaffirm your faith in debate before entering the Primary Room. Rearrange the temple so the Primary Room comes first and head west to the Doctor's Office. After single-paying, you might choose to go down to the Yahd. If you remember to hit the campaign actuator at Fenway Park, you could go to the Isle of Rhode, or perhaps the Room of the Sore Loser. Drop Joe Lieberman down the Mine Shaft, and you could open the way to the Vault. After raising all the money, you might proceed to the Tomb of the Headless Kings. Attach the traumatized child to his proper football king, and you could move on to the Room of the Greasy Mandarin Hand. After placing all four fingers around the money, you can climb down to the Foundation Room, and then to the Lair of the Crabs, where you must gorge yourself for the camera in an effort to enter the Throne Room. Register as a Democrat and it might open up the Tomb of the Ancient Warriors. If you can severely overestimate the area's national political clout, you could proceed to the Rock Quarry. Frack everything that hasn't been buried under the shorn mountaintops and you may gain access to the Factory Ruins... where you can find the 270th Vote of the Electoral College. After grabbing it, you may decide to go north towards the Pit of Despair. After making all the trees the right height, if the ferry is in, you could then swing across the lake to the Jester's Court. Arrange your body to match the markings the Koch Brothers have drawn and travel down to the King's Storeroom. If you can avoid angering the mayor of Chicago, you may be headed to the Ancient Circus. Take the pace chariot for a lap around the room, and it could reveal the way to the Royal Stable. Then, pretend you know something about horseracing, or failing that, pick a horse's name out of a hat, and you could open up the Grand Concert Room. Hit the actuator and proceed swiftly east to the Smoke-Filled Backroom. From here, you could proceed to the Barracks, and then down to the Dining Room. Down the 14-pound, 96-patty bacon cheeseburger, and if you can still move, waddle your way south towards the Hurricane Room. If you survive, you might choose to head back up to the Room of the Secret Password. Find the tablet with the correct inscription- 'SEC', 'Roll Tide' or 'War Eagle'- and shout it out to open the door to the Room of Heavenly Purity. Banish the threatening scourge of Sharia Law and pass through to the treacherous Swamp. If you escape, you may be on your way to the Marketplace, but watch out! You cannot be carrying more than ten items if you wish to proceed! From here, you could move below to the southwest, or northwest to the Cave of Winds. If you can avoid being blown away by the tornadoes, you could try to climb north to the Room of the False Prophet. Picket the military funeral and you might have a chance to enter the Parchment Room. There, Kick Todd Akin square in the balls and it might lead you to the Royal Pantry. Assure the farmers that ethanol is still the way forward and head north to the Garden of the Many Ponds. Next, cross the ponds without collapsing the bridge and, if the door to the west opens, you could find yourself in the Void. Find the lone inhabitant and climb down to the Gallery of Heroes. Pose for a photo-op before heading to the Heartland Room. There, find the hidden electoral vote and you could opt to go west to the Winter Greenhouse. Grow the kindest bud before proceeding to the Devil's Observatory. It is important that you sculpt the mashed potatoes here, because it could open the way to the Cloister, where you must defend against all who come near your property before you reach the Confederate's Secret Passage. After placing the manifesto in the hands of the authorities, you could smash your way through to the Imperial Harem. Kneel in front of the underwear and you may be headed west to the SHRINE of the SILVER STATE Monkey! Assemble the economy and pass through to the Dark Forest. But beware of the Sierra Club Guards whose spirits may inhabit the trees! Grab the key from a tree, and continue up to the Aquaduct, where only cool people may make the long trek north to the Frozen Throne of the Pretender. Diagram the sentence and sail down the shaft to the Bamboo Courtyard. Pick your way through, and swing past the moat to the Room of the Golden Idols and reconstruct the budget there. Then, pass through Maricopa Dungeon, climb through Carlsbad Ledges, race through the Armory and back through the Temple Gate. The choices are yours and yours alone!

You won 1,438 delegates at the Temple Games. Who's going first?"

"I am!"

"Very well, Mitt. When Kirk gives the signal, you'll race through the gates and into the temple, and make your way towards the 270th Vote. Hidden inside the temple are Temple Guards, assigned to protect three specific rooms. You can trade your delegates for an extra life and go on, but, if you're caught without a delegate, you'll be taken out of the temple, and it will be Paul's turn to enter and try his luck. Hidden somewhere inside the temple are the other 493 delegates. If you find them, and you're carrying the other delegates, you will get an extra life. If you can reach the vote, all of the doors in the temple will instantly unlock, and the Temple Guards will vanish. Return through the gates with the 270th Vote of the Electoral College in three minutes, and you'll both be handsomely rewarded! And here's how!"

"First, you get skateboards! Variflex's Airwalker! A versatile skateboard with microwheels and concave design plus pads, and a helmet which meets industry safety standards. All from Variflex!

Grab the 270th Vote within three minutes and you'll also get the Presidency! You and a guest will fly to Washington DC and spend four years as chief executives of the United States of America, where you'll get to sign legislation into law, give annual addresses on the state of the Union, meet fellow heads of state, and stay in a mansion convenient to many local attractions!

If you can bring the 270th Vote out of the temple before the three minutes is up, you'll both be going to SPACE CAMP! You'll float like an astronaut and perform a shuttle mission during your action-packed week at Space Camp in Huntsville, Alabama or Florida's Space Coast. From U.S. Space Camp!"

"Space Camp! Let's see if we can get them to Space Camp. Let's get set, Mitt's gonna get his mouthpiece in. Olmec, lower your gate."


"Let's put three minutes on the clock.


On your mark, get set, GO!"

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