Thursday, March 7, 2013

Americans For Real Vampires

So are you done with sparkly vampires now? I hope you are. Vampires are supposed to suck blood and turn their W's into V's and say 'bleh!' and get blown away by Bruce Campbell or, if he's not available, an airplane that conveniently runs them over. Twilight does not have real vampires.

And by the way, don't get me started on Monster High, which made their vampire vegan and hemophobic to the point where she can't even say the word 'blood' what the hell.

But just in case you haven't yet had your fill of vampires who are not really vampires, there is now Twi-line. Apparently, if you're sad that there are no more Twilight movies, if you're in the United Kingdom, you call a number, and for the next two weeks, random quotes from the Twilight movies will be continuously played back to you. This will tide you over until your DVD finishes rewinding so you can watch the Twilight movies again and get the same quotes with bonus context, plot and moving pictures depicting the characters saying them.

And, you know, pay more money for the privilege.

And then we can wait for a vampire to show up at the beach or something. ...what... DAMN YOU, MONSTER HIGH!

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