Thursday, February 27, 2014

How To Fake Being A War Hero

1. Do not fake being a war hero.
2. Seriously. My dad served in Vietnam and my cousin served in Afghanistan and I will personally come beat your ass despite my personal total lack of physical... anything... because I will just be that pissed, and also I'll probably have a baseball bat or something. I'll figure it out.
3. If you are in the market for buying a war medal, understand that it's just to, you know, have. I'd suggest learning the story behind who got it and how he earned it. It's probably a pretty good story anyway. Do not go wearing it around like you're the guy who earned it.
4. Do not act like you're the guy who earned it.
5. Or them, in the case of having six of the things on you.
6. Do not tell any stories about how you came about them that are not 'I bought them online'.
7. Do not act like you served overseas.
8. Do not act like you earned the medals in the service overseas you didn't serve.
9. Do not act like you saved lives overseas.
10. Do not begin to believe your own tall tales.
11. Jesus Christ on a poopstick don't go around giving speeches about how you won medals for saving lives overseas while serving in the military when you're actually just some dude who bought the medals online.
12. When the military calls you and lets you have it about what a stupid you are, take it to heart.

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