Thursday, February 6, 2014

Olympics, 1 Day Out: Random Toilet Generator

Of all the problems concerning Sochi's readiness, perhaps none has been more popular a problem than, of all things, the toilet situation. One would think that this would be a rather simple proposition; you expect Olympic-level facilities to have proper plumbing, and you expect the construction folks to be able to properly install the place where you poop. Malignant poopage is, after all, a grave threat to us all.

Which makes it rather shocking that the construction folks have found so very many different ways to get a toilet wrong. For their benefit, let's go through some tips as to the proper construction of a toilet.

*A cabinet is not a toilet. Not even if there are three of them.
*Many if not most of the people you'll be accommodating at the Olympics are used to sit toilets. It is therefore inadvisable to install squat toilets instead. If you must install a squat toilet, at least make sure the hole is large enough that one is confident that one can do one's business without... missing.
*The heavy lid is meant to go on the tank on the top. The seat is meant to be installed on the place where you sit; the part with the hole goes below the part with the smaller lid.
*The toilet should be constructed in such a fashion as to accept toilet paper.
*The toilet should be constructed in such a fashion as to flush. Potemkin toilets are not appreciated.
*It should not be necessary to flush with the assistance of a firehose. You can probably omit that particular toiletry.
*People prefer to be alone in their toileting. It is therefore inadvisable to place multiple toilets next to each other, at least not without a divider.
*Because people do not like being observed during pooping time.
*Even by themselves.
*And remember, when you have correctly assembled your toilet, please pay mind to the surrounding decoration. Try not to use any decoration that might be unintentionally horrifying.

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