Tuesday, April 29, 2014

My Hobby

Flipping the clues in Jeopardy around so that they're presented in proper conversational order.

"Who's Dwight D. Eisenhower?"
"First awarded in 1958, an amateur golf trophy is named for this U.S. president."
" know, you could have just said 'president'."

"What was the Battle of the Bulge?"
"You've beaten the Germans in this battle, their last offensive in the west during WWII, and the Ardennes is now yours to keep."
"What in the actual fuck was that about."

"What's a mosquito?"
"These insects, like the Anopheles variety, use a tubelike proboscis to inject saliva & draw up blood."
"You could stop being so pretentious, you realize."

"What is syrup?"
"It comes in maple, raspberry and cough varieties and is no fun to step in."
"That didn't even make sense."

"Who was Hercules?"
"The Golden Apples of the Hesperides."
"I'm pretty sure that's not right." 

"What's a racecar?"
"On May 30, 2010. Dario Franchitti claimed a big victory in one."
"That was not helpful."

"What is North Carolina?"
"The state of Not Racial Horn."
"...are you having a stroke?"

"Hey, what's a French press?"
"Your barista knows it's also called a cafetiere or a plunge-filter."
"I don't think you could have come up with a more asshole response if you tried."

"What is a fork?"
"As John McCain lagged in fund-raising in 2007, an ex-supporter said in a Texas paper, "stick" this "in him, he's done."
"...but what IS it?"
" Stick this point where a river divides into branches in him, he's done."
"Usually, Europeans keep this in the left hand after cutting meat and Americans do not."
"If you don't tell me what a goddamn fork is right now, I will run you through like a dead samurai."
"Traditionally in Japan, these implements are used by suicidal samurai, but not at the table."
"[stab stab stab stab]"

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