1. Do not bite another human being.
2. Do not bite a second human being.
3. Do not bite a third human being either.
4. Do not bite your third human being after having previously vowed to restore your already-tattered reputation in the wake of biting your second human being.
5. If you must bite three human beings, do not bite them with cameras around.
6. In fact, make a strong effort not to bite a human being while one of the focal points of one of the world's largest cultural events.
7. If you have been accused of biting another human being on camera during one of the world's largest cultural events, it does you no good to deny it.
8. When people lose their balance, they do not use their teeth as a stabilization device, especially not in conjunction with human flesh that is not their own. Do not act like you don't know this.
9. Before biting a human being, take regard for how others, such as the teammates on your soccer team, might be affected by your actions.
Bye, Uruguay. No Maracanazo for you this time.