Thursday, May 8, 2014

How To Draft Johnny Manziel (NFL Draft How-To Special)

1. Do not draft Johnny Manziel. Seriously, the dude's got 'bust' written all over him.
2. In fact, don't draft anyone who talks before the draft about the kinds of teams he doesn't want to go to, thus completely missing the point behind a draft.
3. If you must draft Johnny Manziel, do not be the Cleveland Browns.
4. If you are the Cleveland Browns, just don't draft a quarterback at all, actually.
5. If you must draft a quarterback for the Browns, again, perhaps consult some help.
6. A $100,000 analytics study on quarterback prospects, that ultimately spits out Teddy Bridgewater- who is available when your turn arrives- is a fine choice for consulting help.
7. A random homeless guy on the street who walks up to the owner and says "Draft Manziel" is not.
8. Do not give more weight to the homeless guy.
9. Be afraid when he gets a sullen look on his face and starts chugging beers during his wait. For the record, Aaron Rodgers largely managed to keep a poker face, though at one point he did shrug his shoulders at the camera.
10. Be very afraid when, on stage, he adopts the most forced smile since the last time the Joker gassed someone.
11. When announcing the pick to your online fans, it is '22nd', not '22th.'

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